Back to the anger. I thought to myself today, I give up on people, far too easily. I don't think about other people as much as others do, and I am completely "ok" with it. I don't show sympathy for people (exept in special circumstances) and I don't stay in contact as much as a normal person would.
I suffer from what doctors call an "attatchment dissorder". I don't cling on to people and I sort people in and out of my life the way my mind seems fit. Things could go completely fine with a relationship and I would never talk to that person again. Friends or lovers. And it never hurts my feelings. I don't get angry at people unless it's past an ultimate point. I don't get ultimately excited at good news, I don't have extreme emotion. Just a melancholy half smile or a blank face.
When I was only a few days old, I was adopted. In my studies, I learned that that small amount of time after your mothers give birth to you, is the most vital part of bonding. In that moment, your genetic matter holds onto that other person. I did not have this. As a child I remember talking to myself in my room. Creating scenarios and rehearsing them in front of a mirror. I remember doing this in case those scenarios ever came into existence. Then i would know somewhat of how to act. I was not terrified of people. I just didn't know how to act around them. I always thought it was strange how people act. Some people are one way with certain people, and totally different around others. I was never this way. I didn't understand that. I still don't. But I'm glad that I can be the only me that I am.
My parents got divorced when I was young. That is when I completely shut off my emotions. My family would ask me what was wrong with me if I did something out of the norm. I didn't do things for attention. I did things because I wanted to do them, or I wanted to test a reaction or boundaries. I didn't trust either of my parents because I didn't understand why people gave up like that. So I tested them. (Now that I'm older I understand why, and I would like to apologize for all these things that I have done)
In high school I had the best friends I could ever ask for. It never mattered if any of us were different, and we picked on the kids who picked on kids. I played ever sport I could fit under my schedule, and did every club I had time for. I had to keep busy, because my mind kept me busier. I didn't have time to care what people thought about me, and I think that kept me sane in a way. I did however, on the exterior think back then, the more friends I had, the better off I would be. On the inside, however, I only wanted a few. Less people to worry about. More time to work out scenarios in my head.
I've only been in two relationships that ever really mattered to me. One was my high school sweetheart, the other is my childs biological father. The first one I really believe that I felt love for, and the other I stayed with because I had gotten rid of everyone in my life and didn't want to be alone. The first was unbelievable. he was going to be a psychology major and would analyze the way I acted. That part didn't make me mad. The part that he was wrong made me mad. So it ended.
Anyways, I have a lot more inside this mind. This has all made me mad today. I want to apologize to anyone that I have shut out or showed my true self to. Part of it I have no control over, and the small part that I do have control of sincerely feels terrible for it. I'll write another blog later. Hope this helps who it needs to.
Love,
Kim
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