Hi Everyone. Today marks maybe the third week I've felt like this. I feel as though, my soul is caving in. I'm super paranoid about nothing. I just want to be alone and nothing seems to fill this void. I don't know what is missing, and I feel like I want to cry. I don't feel hormonal or anything, I'm not a rage monster or my shark week or anything I just don't feel like me....
And that's a shame. I love dancing in the rain. I love feeling infinite. I love feeling like I am not tied to anything, and one with everything. I love hiking. I love rivers. I love my son. I love myself. I love birds chirping. I love Fridays and the feeling of sleeping in on Saturday. I love watching movies, and I love doing my hair. I love good indian food. I love singing at the top of my lungs, in my car, with the windows down..... at stoplights. Those people are never going to see me again. So why not?
I'm not feeling spontaneous, like I used to be. Everything frightens me. I feel like, being in my car is a death trap. I feel like I'm going to mess up at work and I feel like I'm not doing enough in school or with my son. I need something in my life, and I have no idea what it is. I haven't felt this way before.
I don't feel sad, or lonely, or depressed. I feel upset at myself. I did something wrong. I said the wrong thing or I did the wrong thing. But what? What is missing... and how can I get it back? I guess it's time for some meditation.
Running running,
Thoughts are struggling,
Always wondering,
What is in my mind.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
All the Single Ladies
Hi All. It's that time of year, where all the trees bloom, Spring break is near, everyone is finding that one person to hold onto, and Love is in the air. Everything comes alive. The colors, the smells, the thrill of a new life that isn't exactly the same as last year. It's magical.
I have been asked several times in the last few weeks why I am single. Good question. And my answer comes along with a little advice.
I am singe because, I need to be. My problems are far to many to tie someone into. I feel like, I cannot put the effort into another fail. I live in Utah. Where most people get married straight out of high school. YUCK. Every relationship I have been in, I had someone I had to answer to. Where are you? What are you doing? Why are you talking to that guy he just wants to get in your pants.... I trust you but..... questions questions questions. I feel like I can't breathe.
I have a free spirit. I go without talking to people for months on end. Because I have so much on my mind. My wheels are turning day in, and day out. I'm an observer and an analytical thinker. I analyze things, and I think about them. It doesn't matter if it's the time of day, what color a frog is, how beautiful the waterfall I hiked to was last week or why am I so addicted to the thought of summer and my toes in the sand? It's all going through my mind. So imagine how annoyed someone would be, if they were dating me, and asked me what was on my mind. You don't want to know.
I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I'm a young single mother. Yes my child is adorable. But like other two year olds, he is a terrorist. I rarely see days where my room is clean, where I've showered every day a week or don't have to snap at least a million times because I don't want my son to get hurt or he made the unimaginable happen in the wrong way. I'm sure, a month with this dynamic duo, will send mr. right into mr. buh bye.
I have unresolved issues from other relationships. I'm not perfect. But I can sure as hell tell if something is going to be the same way it was. I want to be trusted. But how can I feel trusted if I'm under a radar 24-7 while I feel like i'm being interrogated by the Russian mob? I love abstract questions. Don't ask me how my day was, instead, ask me how I felt alive today. Almost every person I dated first dated me because of the way i look. And yeah, cool I guess it's a compliment but I fancy my mind more than I do any physical part of myself. I wasn't always pretty. And sometimes I still don't think I am. No man has ever made me feel safe. My last relationship I was being hit and thrown around and threatened and tore down. I didn't want to sleep at night because all that went through my head was, is he going to hurt me again? Am I going to have to lie about scratches and bruises again? Am I going to walk into the bathroom and see him dead on the floor from over dosing on heroine? I didn't feel safe. And part of me never will again. How could I put someone through this thought process and it be ok?
I have all the confidence in the world when it comes to socializing. I'm a smart woman. I can hold a conversation. But i have no confidence whatsoever when it comes to dating. I feel like the ugly girl that I used to be. True ugly duckling story right here. When someone just becomes pretty out of the blue, they are still haunted by the way they used to be. I didn't care what i looked like back then. I don't care what i look like now, but I'm always intimidated by the fact that if I don't look good enough, he is always going to find something better. So why try? Oh well. Moving on in the thought process. And shut them out.
So here is my advice. For all those women out there who are single and wonder why, why not first try loving yourself? Be fine with being alone. Don't be tied down right after high school. Get some life experience under your belt. Get some hip in your hop. Look at sunsets and stay golden. Search for those moments that take your breath away. No one wants to be around a boring person, so when the time comes that you meet your man, he can brag to the world that his woman is amazing. She's done this and that and much more. Don't ever let your glow go. If you have problems, learn how to solve them on your own. Sort yourself out, so that you can give everything that you have to someone else. But first make sure that they are willing to hold onto your everything.
Hope this helps who it needs to. Much love,
Kim
I have been asked several times in the last few weeks why I am single. Good question. And my answer comes along with a little advice.
I have a free spirit. I go without talking to people for months on end. Because I have so much on my mind. My wheels are turning day in, and day out. I'm an observer and an analytical thinker. I analyze things, and I think about them. It doesn't matter if it's the time of day, what color a frog is, how beautiful the waterfall I hiked to was last week or why am I so addicted to the thought of summer and my toes in the sand? It's all going through my mind. So imagine how annoyed someone would be, if they were dating me, and asked me what was on my mind. You don't want to know.
I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I'm a young single mother. Yes my child is adorable. But like other two year olds, he is a terrorist. I rarely see days where my room is clean, where I've showered every day a week or don't have to snap at least a million times because I don't want my son to get hurt or he made the unimaginable happen in the wrong way. I'm sure, a month with this dynamic duo, will send mr. right into mr. buh bye.
I have unresolved issues from other relationships. I'm not perfect. But I can sure as hell tell if something is going to be the same way it was. I want to be trusted. But how can I feel trusted if I'm under a radar 24-7 while I feel like i'm being interrogated by the Russian mob? I love abstract questions. Don't ask me how my day was, instead, ask me how I felt alive today. Almost every person I dated first dated me because of the way i look. And yeah, cool I guess it's a compliment but I fancy my mind more than I do any physical part of myself. I wasn't always pretty. And sometimes I still don't think I am. No man has ever made me feel safe. My last relationship I was being hit and thrown around and threatened and tore down. I didn't want to sleep at night because all that went through my head was, is he going to hurt me again? Am I going to have to lie about scratches and bruises again? Am I going to walk into the bathroom and see him dead on the floor from over dosing on heroine? I didn't feel safe. And part of me never will again. How could I put someone through this thought process and it be ok?
I have all the confidence in the world when it comes to socializing. I'm a smart woman. I can hold a conversation. But i have no confidence whatsoever when it comes to dating. I feel like the ugly girl that I used to be. True ugly duckling story right here. When someone just becomes pretty out of the blue, they are still haunted by the way they used to be. I didn't care what i looked like back then. I don't care what i look like now, but I'm always intimidated by the fact that if I don't look good enough, he is always going to find something better. So why try? Oh well. Moving on in the thought process. And shut them out.
So here is my advice. For all those women out there who are single and wonder why, why not first try loving yourself? Be fine with being alone. Don't be tied down right after high school. Get some life experience under your belt. Get some hip in your hop. Look at sunsets and stay golden. Search for those moments that take your breath away. No one wants to be around a boring person, so when the time comes that you meet your man, he can brag to the world that his woman is amazing. She's done this and that and much more. Don't ever let your glow go. If you have problems, learn how to solve them on your own. Sort yourself out, so that you can give everything that you have to someone else. But first make sure that they are willing to hold onto your everything.
Hope this helps who it needs to. Much love,
Kim
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Sitting, waiting, Wishing
So I'm sitting here, in my bed laughing at my son jumping up and down, and I think to myself..... I completely enjoy where I am in life. I mean, I don't get paid as much as I'd like, I want to have a house of my own, "I want to fit in, to the perfect space"-The Avette Brothers. But I have spent the time today, and this week even, to think of the things that make my life full. I make enough money to put a roof over my sons head. I enjoy my job (Then again I have those days), I have a vehicle now that doesn't rape me of everything that I own just to pay for my gas. I have the best little man anyone can ask for. Who keeps me on my toes and looking into his eyes makes me feel what true love is. I start thinking of what I want for him in life. And I'm going for it.
This week I was congratulated at work for doing a great job. Might seem small to some, but it was a boost of adrenaline for me. The thing I thrive on, is positive energy. Even better is I thrive on being reprimanded for doing something wrong. Either way, there is a drive inside myself to be the best in what i do.
I start school on Saturday. I'm excited. Because this is the start to everything that I want for my son and I. I believe in living my life with the future in mind. I can feel the walls in the house I want. I can smell the flowers that I want in my walk way. I can taste the turkey dinners I will be having for Thanksgiving in my future new house and I can hear the Indie music I will be blasting through my new house. When the time comes. I'm excited for sleepless nights of studying and writing exams. I'm excited to get that first "A" again and to keep them coming. And coming.
Anyways, enough jibber jabber, time to brush up on my future, and by that I mean prepare right now for class :)
Thank you,
Kim
This week I was congratulated at work for doing a great job. Might seem small to some, but it was a boost of adrenaline for me. The thing I thrive on, is positive energy. Even better is I thrive on being reprimanded for doing something wrong. Either way, there is a drive inside myself to be the best in what i do.
I start school on Saturday. I'm excited. Because this is the start to everything that I want for my son and I. I believe in living my life with the future in mind. I can feel the walls in the house I want. I can smell the flowers that I want in my walk way. I can taste the turkey dinners I will be having for Thanksgiving in my future new house and I can hear the Indie music I will be blasting through my new house. When the time comes. I'm excited for sleepless nights of studying and writing exams. I'm excited to get that first "A" again and to keep them coming. And coming.
Anyways, enough jibber jabber, time to brush up on my future, and by that I mean prepare right now for class :)
Thank you,
Kim
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Understanding Myself
I was angry at myself today. Not the type of anger I take internally, just a melancholy anger. At the surface. I don't often tell people about me. About my mind. About the way I think. It confuses people. It makes me seem indifferent, and for the longest time, I somewhat cared about what other people thought.
Back to the anger. I thought to myself today, I give up on people, far too easily. I don't think about other people as much as others do, and I am completely "ok" with it. I don't show sympathy for people (exept in special circumstances) and I don't stay in contact as much as a normal person would.
I suffer from what doctors call an "attatchment dissorder". I don't cling on to people and I sort people in and out of my life the way my mind seems fit. Things could go completely fine with a relationship and I would never talk to that person again. Friends or lovers. And it never hurts my feelings. I don't get angry at people unless it's past an ultimate point. I don't get ultimately excited at good news, I don't have extreme emotion. Just a melancholy half smile or a blank face.
When I was only a few days old, I was adopted. In my studies, I learned that that small amount of time after your mothers give birth to you, is the most vital part of bonding. In that moment, your genetic matter holds onto that other person. I did not have this. As a child I remember talking to myself in my room. Creating scenarios and rehearsing them in front of a mirror. I remember doing this in case those scenarios ever came into existence. Then i would know somewhat of how to act. I was not terrified of people. I just didn't know how to act around them. I always thought it was strange how people act. Some people are one way with certain people, and totally different around others. I was never this way. I didn't understand that. I still don't. But I'm glad that I can be the only me that I am.
My parents got divorced when I was young. That is when I completely shut off my emotions. My family would ask me what was wrong with me if I did something out of the norm. I didn't do things for attention. I did things because I wanted to do them, or I wanted to test a reaction or boundaries. I didn't trust either of my parents because I didn't understand why people gave up like that. So I tested them. (Now that I'm older I understand why, and I would like to apologize for all these things that I have done)
In high school I had the best friends I could ever ask for. It never mattered if any of us were different, and we picked on the kids who picked on kids. I played ever sport I could fit under my schedule, and did every club I had time for. I had to keep busy, because my mind kept me busier. I didn't have time to care what people thought about me, and I think that kept me sane in a way. I did however, on the exterior think back then, the more friends I had, the better off I would be. On the inside, however, I only wanted a few. Less people to worry about. More time to work out scenarios in my head.
I've only been in two relationships that ever really mattered to me. One was my high school sweetheart, the other is my childs biological father. The first one I really believe that I felt love for, and the other I stayed with because I had gotten rid of everyone in my life and didn't want to be alone. The first was unbelievable. he was going to be a psychology major and would analyze the way I acted. That part didn't make me mad. The part that he was wrong made me mad. So it ended.
Anyways, I have a lot more inside this mind. This has all made me mad today. I want to apologize to anyone that I have shut out or showed my true self to. Part of it I have no control over, and the small part that I do have control of sincerely feels terrible for it. I'll write another blog later. Hope this helps who it needs to.
Love,
Kim
Back to the anger. I thought to myself today, I give up on people, far too easily. I don't think about other people as much as others do, and I am completely "ok" with it. I don't show sympathy for people (exept in special circumstances) and I don't stay in contact as much as a normal person would.
I suffer from what doctors call an "attatchment dissorder". I don't cling on to people and I sort people in and out of my life the way my mind seems fit. Things could go completely fine with a relationship and I would never talk to that person again. Friends or lovers. And it never hurts my feelings. I don't get angry at people unless it's past an ultimate point. I don't get ultimately excited at good news, I don't have extreme emotion. Just a melancholy half smile or a blank face.
When I was only a few days old, I was adopted. In my studies, I learned that that small amount of time after your mothers give birth to you, is the most vital part of bonding. In that moment, your genetic matter holds onto that other person. I did not have this. As a child I remember talking to myself in my room. Creating scenarios and rehearsing them in front of a mirror. I remember doing this in case those scenarios ever came into existence. Then i would know somewhat of how to act. I was not terrified of people. I just didn't know how to act around them. I always thought it was strange how people act. Some people are one way with certain people, and totally different around others. I was never this way. I didn't understand that. I still don't. But I'm glad that I can be the only me that I am.
My parents got divorced when I was young. That is when I completely shut off my emotions. My family would ask me what was wrong with me if I did something out of the norm. I didn't do things for attention. I did things because I wanted to do them, or I wanted to test a reaction or boundaries. I didn't trust either of my parents because I didn't understand why people gave up like that. So I tested them. (Now that I'm older I understand why, and I would like to apologize for all these things that I have done)
In high school I had the best friends I could ever ask for. It never mattered if any of us were different, and we picked on the kids who picked on kids. I played ever sport I could fit under my schedule, and did every club I had time for. I had to keep busy, because my mind kept me busier. I didn't have time to care what people thought about me, and I think that kept me sane in a way. I did however, on the exterior think back then, the more friends I had, the better off I would be. On the inside, however, I only wanted a few. Less people to worry about. More time to work out scenarios in my head.
I've only been in two relationships that ever really mattered to me. One was my high school sweetheart, the other is my childs biological father. The first one I really believe that I felt love for, and the other I stayed with because I had gotten rid of everyone in my life and didn't want to be alone. The first was unbelievable. he was going to be a psychology major and would analyze the way I acted. That part didn't make me mad. The part that he was wrong made me mad. So it ended.
Anyways, I have a lot more inside this mind. This has all made me mad today. I want to apologize to anyone that I have shut out or showed my true self to. Part of it I have no control over, and the small part that I do have control of sincerely feels terrible for it. I'll write another blog later. Hope this helps who it needs to.
Love,
Kim
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