All the Single Ladies

Hi All. It's that time of year, where all the trees bloom, Spring break is near, everyone is finding that one person to hold onto, and Love is in the air. Everything comes alive. The colors, the smells, the thrill of a new life that isn't exactly the same as last year. It's magical.

I have been asked several times in the last few weeks why I am single. Good question. And my answer comes along with a little advice.

I am singe because, I need to be. My problems are far to many to tie someone into. I feel like, I cannot put the effort into another fail. I live in Utah. Where most people get married straight out of high school. YUCK. Every relationship I have been in, I had someone I had to answer to. Where are you? What are you doing? Why are you talking to that guy he just wants to get in your pants.... I trust you but..... questions questions questions. I feel like I can't breathe.

I have a free spirit. I go without talking to people for months on end. Because I have so much on my mind. My wheels are turning day in, and day out. I'm an observer and an analytical thinker. I analyze things, and I think about them. It doesn't matter if it's the time of  day, what color a frog is, how beautiful the waterfall I hiked to was last week or why am I so addicted to the thought of summer and my toes in the sand? It's all going through my mind. So imagine how annoyed someone would be, if they were dating me, and asked me what was on my mind. You don't want to know.

I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I'm a young single mother. Yes my child is adorable. But like other two year olds, he is a terrorist. I rarely see days where my room is clean, where I've showered every day a week or don't have to snap at least a million times because I don't want my son to get hurt or he made the unimaginable happen in the wrong way. I'm sure, a month with this dynamic duo, will send mr. right into mr. buh bye.

I have unresolved issues from other relationships. I'm not perfect. But I can sure as hell tell if something is going to be the same way it was. I want to be trusted. But how can I feel trusted if I'm under a radar 24-7 while I feel like i'm being interrogated by the Russian mob? I love abstract questions. Don't ask me how my day was, instead, ask me how I felt alive today. Almost every person I dated first dated me because of the way i look. And yeah, cool I guess it's a compliment but I fancy my mind more than I do any physical part of myself. I wasn't always pretty. And sometimes I still don't think I am. No man has ever made me feel safe. My last relationship I was being hit and thrown around and threatened and tore down. I didn't want to sleep at night because all that went through my head was, is he going to hurt me again? Am I going to have to lie about scratches and bruises again? Am I going to walk into the bathroom and see him dead on the floor from over dosing on heroine? I didn't feel safe. And part of me never will again. How could I put someone through this thought process and it be ok?

I have all the confidence in the world when it comes to socializing. I'm a smart woman. I can hold a conversation. But i have no confidence whatsoever when it comes to dating. I feel like the ugly girl that I used to be. True ugly duckling story right here. When someone just becomes pretty out of the blue, they are still haunted by the way they used to be. I didn't care what i looked like back then. I don't care what i look like now, but I'm always intimidated by the fact that if I don't look good enough, he is always going to find something better. So why try? Oh well. Moving on in the thought process. And shut them out.

So here is my advice. For all those women out there who are single and wonder why, why not first try loving yourself? Be fine with being alone. Don't be tied down right after high school. Get some life experience under your belt. Get some hip in your hop. Look at sunsets and stay golden. Search for those moments that take your breath away. No one wants to be around a boring person, so when the time comes that you meet your man, he can brag to the world that his woman is amazing. She's done this and that and much more. Don't ever let your glow go. If you have problems, learn how to solve them on your own. Sort yourself out, so that you can give everything that you have to someone else. But first make sure that they are willing to hold onto your everything.

Hope this helps who it needs to. Much love,

Kim